March 6: Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday

How do I pack for a forty-day journey? Certainly, with enough moisturizer, toiletries and anti-anxiety medications to make me feel safe; enough clothing to cause a jam up at TSA as well as a hefty overweight luggage bill; an itinerary clutched in my hand to at least create the illusion of some control in my life for the duration of the trip. Of course, there are items that I will pick up on the way – snacks, souvenirs, etc., and there are things that my host will have to provide. But forty days is a long time to be away from all that identifies me as me.

How do I pack for a forty-day journey?

How do I pack for a Lenten journey where I am asked to bring only one thing – my whole heart. How do I prepare for a trip through the barrenness of truth-seeking without all the props of my “false self” that I carry with me each day? But this is what the prophet Isaiah says is the only thing that God requires – my WHOLE heart. I’m very amenable to bringing a piece of my heart – the joyous part that drives a persona that’s pleasant to view. But the whole thing! After all these years it’s a great, ponderous organ – filled with the highest aspirations as well as subtle betrayals that have dwelled there over the years. It contains a lifetime of good works that connect me to others, but also the mortar of many walls and weapons that I have constructed to protect myself from harm. My heart is such a fickle thing – one minute wanting the best for all, the next minute contemplating how to do away with someone who is an obstacle to my immediate goals. There are dark corners there that even I am hesitant to explore. Yet that is what God requires for this journey.

God only loves what God has created – not all the extras that I feel are necessities in this world. On this Lenten wandering, God will scrape away all the detritus of my life in order to uncover that which He has created and cherishes, undo the chains I have bound myself in, and restore the connections that I have severed. Unlike other journeys, this one will advance not by accumulating things, but by divesting myself of them. I will be challenged, if I’m paying attention, to peel off the layers of pride and selfishness, to ponder scripture passages that are not meant to bolster my self-esteem but to shout out the truth. And all along the way God will be tirelessly and lovingly looking to find the heart of flesh that is part of His original creation.

If I persevere in the journey, I will arrive naked at my destination, holding only a heart purified by my Creator. It will have been a grueling sojourn through the shiny spots and dark recesses of my being, but in the end, worth it. As my dentist, Doctor Shapiro (another Jewish prophet) says, “They all hate the idea of coming here, but when they leave, they always feel better.”

As we each begin our Lenten journey, may we have the grace to be real – to know that we are flawed but loved creations of God, who wants to chip off our rough scales and gently bring us back to where we belong. One of the most frequent quotes in our Scripture is “Be not afraid!” It’s a good quote to remember. Richard Rohr puts it very succinctly – “God loves us not because we are good. God loves us because God is good.”

Brother Damian Novello, OSF